Asking For Help and Getting a No

The thing about me is I’ll wait to ask for help until I really need it. Not when it’s nice to have or when it would simply make it smoother for me — no, I wait until I’m backed into a corner.

Then I ask for help.

And I’ve been told no.

So, then what?

It seems the going conversation these days is about asking for help with the hopeful assumption that we’ll get it. What happens when we ask and we don’t get the help we desperately need?

It’s been in those depths of overwhelm that I’ve learned to figure it out. I’ve learned I’m infinitely stronger and more capable than I’ve previously thought.

There have been times I had helped lined up for big days at the farm and it’s fallen through. Which leaves me with one option — figure out how to do it with kids in tow.

It’s not nearly as efficient as when I work alone, it’s exponentially harder mentally to work while keeping kids safe and entertained, and its defeating knowing I tried to have help that didn’t work out.

In the moment, every time I’ve asked for help and been told no, I’ve been disappointed. I’ve been resentful, I’ve been bitter, I’ve been crushed. It’s really, really hard to only ask for help when it’s crucial just to be told no.

Oh, but the feeling of reaching the other side, that’s worth it. Making it through a hard day of work with the kids is a little bit like giving birth unmedicated. That high of accomplishment is sweet.

Looking back on some of my hardest days, I know they were sharpening my skills and most definitely working to sanctify me.

Here are my top tips for finding my way through after I’ve asked for help and been told no — 

1. Raise independent kids — I’ve always wanted my kids to learn to do on their own, but it’s become a necessity. With 4 kids 5 and under it saves me so much time for half of them to get dressed on their own (as much as I’d love thoughtfully curated coordinating outfits everyday, it’s not in the cards right now). They pack their own snacks, bring their own activities and love to help me do tasks. Sure some of the helping slows me down, but taking the time to build the foundation has speeded up so much now.
2. Systems — having the washer/dryer combo upstairs has helped me get my laundry under control. I try to fold a load every other day and stay caught up. During harvest, sometimes I’ll wash daily and we’ll get dressed out of the dryer wearing the same outfits as the day prior. We also do a headcount whenever we transition and the kids count out loud their birth order so I know they are all with. As much as I can get on autopilot so I can reserve my brain power for the task at hand plus the kids is the goal >> which means thank goodness for subscribe and save.
3. Routine — we run a consistent ship in the mornings, lunch and evenings. Everyone knows what’s to come and what’s expected. During harvest I tried to feed the kids at the farm before we came home and it didn’t work. We ate at the farm then went right home and the kids wanted to eat. They were so used to eating when we got home it didn’t matter that we had eaten supper already.
4. Focus — I’ve drawn inspiration from all the moms that solo parent more than they have help, all the moms that find a way to make it happen. Honestly, I’ve focused on finding a way to make it happen without help and it’s freeing. A weight lifted to know that I can do this. I can figure a way through it. Some days we survive more than we thrive. We find a way to get through it, there’s no extra anything, only getting through.
5. Pray — the nights and days I’ve felt I couldn’t make it through, I’ve prayed to be given the strength for the next few minutes. The morning I posted this I actually spent the night with 4 sick kids in my bed bouncing between helping them. So tired and with a looming 5AM alarm to go spend the day in the truck. Praying — Lord please bring me through, please guide me, please lead me.

When I came back to the farm I was trying to keep up with the boys and my dad told me, “you’re here for your brain.” It’s one of my most heartfelt compliments I’ve ever received. I lean on it now.

Days where it feels impossible to make it through, I think about finding a solution. I can’t muscle my way through, but I can find a way to work smarter.

If you’ve been there too, desperately needing help and been told no, big hugs to you. If you’ve been thinking of asking for help and scared you’ll get a no, I hope you know you’re so much stronger than you think.